Love as an Autistic Man.

This is a poem I wrote yesterday.

The Seed

I see a world of uniqueness in all people, seeds of social construction regardless of race, class and age is listed covering the seed up.

I see a judgmental world based on levels of intelligence or lack of it regardless of seed.

I see a big seed in small world that seems to get bigger which seems as big as the titanic.

I don’t have a seed of hope relating to people of the opposite sex, not a dark seed similar to the Sailor Moon pure heart days which turns into an evil plant, but the seed of loneliness and abnormality.

The seed of loneliness is attached to the seed of a world that has no one that have a similar world like yours.

I see myself as just like another blob walking down the street like anyone else, people who come across me see nothingness or a naivety

The seed makes plants and people different, looking for a person that has the same seed as I do.

I have been isolated because my seed says I have a first aid sign on it because I have a disability. I’m trying to become as close to a normal man but many people especially women since reaching adulthood measure me like I was LeBron James or Tom Brady, move on to the next guy feeling like a branch waiting to be fed by water.  That guy doesn’t satisfy their needs and come back asking for me.  I have a disability that people can’t see unless I act out, all because I might be slow on social issues like love doesn’t make me less of a man or an idiot.

I really haven’t met a girl with the same disability see since she move away when I was nine years old.

I have tried to relate to people who don’t have the same seed as I do, but most of my friends I had didn’t have the seed as girls who grow into women don’t had the seed either.

Women tried to date me, but I really didn’t feel comfortable trying to make a relationship work with a person who might understand my seed, but can’t live or see the struggles I have relating to my disability.

I accepted my seed regarding my disability but the world is slow to catch up to people like me living with adult Autism.  Granted there aren’t too many people with my seed talking, trying to love and trying to live somewhat independent life.

Makes me feel really sad that I feel completely alone and lonely as many people with my seed are around here but I don’t know anyone with my disability.

I want to find a person who has the same disability or has some connection with Autism in some way to understand I do have my weaknesses and still developing, penalize me because I did something bad, not my disability

Buses, sports, Art makes me human, Autism is the seed that I was given and I want to find A woman who doesn’t necessarily like the things I do, but lives or understand the seed I was given and I’ll give this lucky person love that she might have never experienced with a person who has her seed.

Autism seed won’t leave me even in death, but I want a chance to create a plant in the world and I can have help to raise him or her on my own as my seed of loneliness slowly disappears and have the happy seed I had when my childhood friend moved away long ago and kept trying to grow a love seed for someone else to water me down and sprout out like a cabbage but ended up a ripened tomato which rotted that other people forgotten about.

The seed is like the brain that helps the core grow to become the fruit as the branch hopes to be attached to other seeds are left alone in the wind as winter cold arrives…the plant is the child I hope to create with a woman who has the same seed as I do, fed up felling sad and lonely. I hold onto hope to find her and have love I never had before.  

My Strong Opinion

Here is a link that should help fellow readers who know someone who is an Autistic adult regardless of how young or how old.

I don't understand why does the medical and media worlds talk about the struggles that children are living with Autism and don't really talk about the adults living with Autism as I do.

Love and Autism adulthood.

Here are my photos from the last few days. 

Sorta coach 9049 at Fairview Loop on Tuesday January 31, 2012.

New bus Sorta 1201.  Coach was purchased by Metro in January 2012.  Gillig built this bus.  Coach is sitting near Center of Cincinnati Mall layover yesterday on February 1, 2012. 

Sorta coach 2135, I absolutely hate was sitting shut-off near Center of Cincinnati Mall layover today as Route 4 Ridge Road today.

Sorta coach 946 in the rain as Route 4 earlier this year.  I took this coach on Route 51 earlier today to arrive at Center of Cincinnati Mall.

Return of Sorta coach 2130

Last night before I went to bed after taking my shower, I predicted that coach 2130 would run tomorrow.  Tomorrow obviously was today, the coach was out roaring in the cold as I watched the bus run in and out Fairview Loop from my mother’s window.  For readers who have read deleted post of 2130 and Miranda Cosgrove photos I’ve used and uploaded before you might have an idea where I’m going with this.

 Today felt like a day I can redeem myself respect after I lost it over 3 years ago.    The coach broke down before the season of winter on December 16, 2011.  I feared the coach would have been retired and the long quest to go forward in a losing battle wouldn’t come around again.  I walked to handle errands as I usually do on Friday mornings, I took a picture of the Stetson Square complex.  Right across from the street has nothing but grass, but my grandfather lived in a house close by a long time ago so I said to myself, why not take a photo of the complex.  Later on my walk I stumbled on Channel 5, 9 and 12 news vans and cameras around the University Hospital area.  I remembered a friend of mine told me before I left the house the casino construction site roof collapse on some workers including a friend of his.  I was glad to know that all of the workers weren’t seriously injured.

 I waited near University Hospital as 2130 arrived. The ride was smooth, but the accelerator and the safety systems were faulty as usual.  I did a very good job during the ride telling myself a bus is a bus, a girl is a girl, too young of a girl.  I did get photos of the coach lost in the wintry clouds today.  Unfortunately the run for the coach didn’t last long as the coach broke down and was replaced by 924 not too long ago after I departed to Center of Cincinnati Mall Shopping Center.

I’m very happy after trying to fight my demons regarding coach 2130 and Miranda Cosgrove I’m doing a great job and winning in the mess I got myself in years ago. 

Stetson Square near University Hospital.

    

 

Sorta coach 2130 returns after 1 month being shelved for repairs.

Bus Stop in front of Sorta coach 2130.

Sorta coach 924 in the rain in October 2011.  Coach replaced 2130 later in the afternoon.

Sorta coach 2100 at Marburg Avenue cut-off.  Coach was originally numbered 2000 ten years ago.

The Clip Show verses Showtime

Lakers defeated Clippers 96-91 last night.  Another game of pushing and shoving as Metta World Peace (formerly Ron Artest) had to be restrained from coming after Blake Griffin and DeAndre Jordan after hustling for a jump ball in mid court in the 3^rd quarter.  How in the world could bad blood start in all places, Los Angeles?  NBA told the Lakers essentially you guys are becoming the New York Yankees of the NBA as the team can get any player they wanted attempting to trade for point guard Chris Paul.  The Houston Rockets were also were involved in the deal that was nullified. 

In this case the Lakers needed a point guard like Chris Paul but the league said no to the trade for the former New Orleans point guard.  Lamar Odom who played PF off the bench was a piece in the proposed trade up to the league telling the Lakers “no.”  Odom was hurt enough to ask the Lakers to trade him to the Dallas Mavericks.  Odom played 7 years as a Laker before the trade. 

The players and fans around the league were shocked about the deal being nixed.  The NBA however said yes to the Los Angeles Clippers version of the trade for Paul who leads the Lakers having 2 old point guards Derek Fisher and Steve Blake and 2 young point guards Andrew Goudelock and Darius Morris playing with a tomato ripened Kobe Bryant.

The trades the Clippers made and the trade the Lakers couldn’t make made me wonder how good were the Clippers as a franchise before moving to Los Angeles, Clippers weren’t that good.  Clippers had a descent run as the Buffalo Braves.  The franchise was born in 1970 along with the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Portland Trail Blazers.  Then the franchise would move on to San Diego after the 1978 season.  Right before I was being born in late summer of 1984 the Clippers moved to Downtown Los Angeles playing games at the Sports Complex.  Lakers were still in Los Angeles suburb of Inglewood playing at the Great Western forum at the time.  The Lakers and Clippers since the move were in a parallel universe until the L.A. Riots after the Rodney King trial verdict in 1992 angered so many people around the city; both franchises had to move playoff games to Anaheim, California and Las Vegas, Nevada respectfully.

Championships are a must for the Lakers.  The franchise has won 16 NBA titles including 8 since I was born in 1984 Lakers won championships in 1985, 1987-88, 2000-2002, and 2009-2010.  Clippers reached the playoffs only 4 times since then in 1992-93, 97 (with losing recorded 36-46) and 2006 seasons. Also the Clippers have finished ahead of the Lakers in the final standings only 3 times from 1992-93 and the season the team finish one game short of reaching the Western Conference finals in 2006 season.  Both franchises do have players in common, such as Lamar Odom, Ron Harper in the not-too-distant past and Bob McAdoo from a long time ago to name a few.  

Even though I can’t stand the Lakers, no matter how many games the Clippers win the main focus for every franchise is to win an NBA tile someday in time.   Lakers still have the key to Los Angeles riches and glamour, but the Clippers have finally entered the 21^st century with a team that can be good for a long while.  Who would have though the Clippers @ Lakers games would be filled with energy, passion and hostility?  Welcome to the new age of basketball in Hollywood.

Nadal and the Letter

As I watch Rafael Nadal hangs on the line in the Australian Open, the wounds of losing my footing on the line still remains today, but I’m healing also.

In the summer of 2011 a month before the Western & Southern Open Tennis championships were held in Mason, Oh not that far from King’s Island theme park I saw a Metro bus coach 2136 (image is below) that had semi wrap advertising with Rafael Nadal and Maria Sharapova.  Also I stumbled on another Metro bus coach 2131 (image is below 2136 photo) that had a semi wrap that showed the illusion of tennis balls smashing the windows which was kind of funny.

When I took those photos I was reminded that my ex girlfriend who broke up with me months earlier love tennis to the point she took photos of the Western & Southern Open Tennis championships in 2010 before her family moved on to the Louisville area in late August.

Love of tennis remains today even though she and I shared the same fanatic feelings for Rafael Nadal, she is long gone and never coming back to me like a back-handed serve.  The love I thought I had with her was the real thing, however it’s not the love of the person that was gone but getting love of tennis which means 0.  My heart was broken just over a year ago this month when the Australian Open was starting in 2011.  I tried to email her, called her and posted threads from Facebook for a while after the last time I saw in Louisville in October I received no answer until close to three months came and went like a John McEnroe tennis racquets being smashed 1000 times.

 I felt like 1000 tennis racquets being smashed when one sentence which was no more than 70 words a letter she send to me from email was the agony of defeat I was feeling for a while was confirmed…she broke up with me.  I was so confused, she told me she was going to be forth-coming about everything that was going on or what wasn’t going on say so.  I was expecting a phone call or a lengthy email within days of my last visit; instead I was feeling like a set-up pitcher waiting and holding for a save for Mariano Rivera that would never come for almost 3 months.

Would I leave a woman I wanted to date hanging…I did that once before as some of my readers know, and I wouldn’t want anyone wait 3 months to know a break-up was in motion as I did.  Smashing tennis rackets in sadness and anger metaphorically speaking isn’t the answer but living life in the moment is.  Regardless Nadal wins or loses Australian Open; the tennis season has just begun in 2012. 

Semi wrap featuring Rafael Nadal and Maris Sharapova on Sorta coach 2136 in Summer 2011.

Sorta coach 2136 earlier this year in the cold.

Sorta coach 2131 looks to being smashed by tennis balls at Fairview Loop in late Spring 2011.  The weather was extremely hot that day.

Sorta coach 2131 drenched in the rain 2 weeks ago.  Coach was involved in tragic accident in Carthage neighborhood in Cincinnati on Christmas Day in 2010.  The link of tragic accident is below.

http://www.wxix.com/Global/story.asp?S=13739725

Feelings for MTC is gone...now what?!

I missed the end of 2011 when it comes to posting on my blog.

I’m back from feeling like a snail being smashed by a bus coming by.

First Lady Michelle Obama will land her charm and power to iCarly tomorrow.  Speaking of iCarly, I see the end is near regarding taking bus pictures and writing about Miranda T. Cosgrove…If readers don’t already know the issues I have had for a while.   My feelings of her are completely gone, but not forgotten as I'm becoming a real man. 

Not much has changed since I was gone except for taking more bus photos, videos and waiting for real snow to come…or so I thought.   I was also getting cozy with a female friend which turned out to be a romantic way to start the New Year, kisses and holding hands while watching Pitbull and Lady Gaga perform was Dick Clark made his usual countdown.  

On my Flickr and You Tube accounts having a hard time catching up with all the work I’ve done for over a month.  This is what it feels like to sort out pictures instead of mail..I have experience at that and it’s no fun.  An interesting start of 2012 for me so far...

Photo of 2011;  President Obama visits Cincinnati, Oh two weeks after my birthday.

In late December 20, 2011 Sorta coach 2130 broke down...possibly retired for good.  Took  this photo in August 11, 2011.

Sorta coach 6024 was my last bus photo in 2011 on December 30th.

Sorta coach 4007 was the final bus I was on in 2011.  In this photo 2 days later snow (or lack of it) came

Sorta coach 1105 at Fairview Loop on January 5, 2012.  One of many hybrid coaches to arrive late in 2011.

Dreaming about gambling my way to fame on Sorta coach 955.  Photo was taken on January 6, 2012.

Sorta coach 966 in Downtown as Route 33.

Slim Shady years coming to an end

I was a very young guy who learned what racist was like growing up in a majority white neighborhood at the time of West Price Hill.  At that time I was isolated from meeting new people due to my behavior and temper-tantrums but also having to please people that wouldn’t care for me at any time in my life.  This allowed me to treat people who were just like me wrong and took them for granted…not realizing how important the people who really cared for me until the people were long gone.  I was very young; I didn’t understand how to be social with people who wanted to spend time.  From then on in, I did everything I could to over-analyze everything and lean to self sabotage good things became almost the norm for me. 

For example…A third of white girls and women I liked from when I was 10 up to being college age happened to be Jewish.  There were other girls to, but mainly black girls and Jewish girls tried to hang out with me.  I was a camper at Stepping Stones Center camp for disabilities from 1988 (I was almost 4 then) up to 1995 (when I was almost 11) I developed 2 crushes during the summer of 1995.  The first crush was on a fellow camper who was wheelchair bound with Cerebral Palsy and the other one was a volunteer named Lauren (photo of her and I is below blog) who I bonded with rather quickly because I made the girl in the wheelchair special and thought I had a warm loving heart…which I still do have. 

After being picked on by 3 boys in particular I stopped going to Stepping Stones during the summer months was one of the hardest decisions I had to live with.  My mother reminded me about the friends I would have left behind but at that time I really didn’t care. During the years 1994-96 I developed a crush on now former talk show host Ricki Lake.  Her talk show was one of the many outlets I used to get into news in a very young age…I’m not a girl, but I watched anyway. I also developed a crushes on Fran Drescher, Selma Blair and Neve Campbell back then too. Fran’s nauseating laugh on “The Nanny” was funny and nauseating I couldn’t help to blush red and laugh with conflicted emotions of how bad she sounds. Selma was very cool in her roles in the movie “Legally Blonde.” Neve in the mid 1990’s was a heartthrob for me when she stared in “Party of Five and the “Scream” movies.

Years went by and I was beginning to listen to Eminem and Ice Cube as a fan even though my second oldest brother warned me to stop listening to Eminem as my sister warned me not to listen to Ice Cube but I didn’t listen. The more rap I listened the more bitter I felt like Limburger cheese and insecurities and society’s problems were weighting on me, especially when there was a long time friend who happened to be Jewish had all the interest to be with me since her crush was elevating to new highs until too many fights and temper tantrums broke her heart and chance for romance with her died in Jacobs Center middle school.

I really had no idea how I fallen until it took me months of begging into my knees for forgiveness.  She accepted my apology after months of self inflicted sorrow, but still didn’t change the fact I lost a true friend at that time, lost possible love too. Since I was black and chances of mating with White girls who happened to be Jewish with dark hair was out of the question so I lust over white girls who weren’t Jewish sometimes and Asian girls all the time because of their long dark hair and eyes too… (If you read the Scramble blog entry you might know the reasons already) 

To pass the time I listed to Eminem, DMX and other rappers while daydreaming of many fights that were notable on "Dragon Ball Z" and watch anime cartoons like "Sailor Moon" and "Ronin Warriors" so I didn’t really think about girls too much until 2001.  I met a fellow Stepping Stone volunteer a white girl who happened to be Jewish who was a soccer star to be in Walnut Hills high school was very nice to me and was given me advice of how to understand disabled children like me better. Then in the following year I met another Jewish girl while at Hughes high school, she was cool, polite but very conservative. She was transferred to another school before I could get intimately involved but it was nice while it lasted. 

Years later while attending school at University of Cincinnati I was in a very tough spot just like I was when I was younger as most of my friends were either Black or Jewish.  I studied issues of race and dating outside  religions in my free time when I wasn’t in Women’s Studies classes or sociology classes to give the right idea of how to relate to other people not like me.  I was so affected by news reports and researching numbers in who does what affected how friendly or unfriendly and guarded I was trying to be careful not to hurt anyone but still ended hurting myself by not developing friendships.  

I met a friend who happened to be a Jewish girl who grew to like enough from 2003-05 to keep an eye on me and made sure I was okay.  By the time I started to like her I only wanted her as a friend, and by the time I found out she really like me too much time passed on trying to get close to her.  Yes I did have a crush on her, but I wasn’t over a brake up with a White girl who wasn’t Jewish in 2003 that I had to break up with because her family didn’t like Black people…I have had crushes on notable Jewish women since then (when I wasn’t hooked on Asian women as compensation) were Sarah Silverman, Debra Messing, Sue Bird, Stacy London and Shay Doran among others (I didn’t know at the time they were.)  If a white woman I might date has dark eyes and dark hair and so she happens to be Jewish too shouldn't feel like its the end of my world.

All because some rappers like Eminem and Ice Cube thinks being anti-Semitic is okay and some of religious issues regarding some people who share the Judaic faith doesn’t mean that I have to black ball everyone who happens to be born in the faith.  I’ve already hurt myself because of research I’ve done and letting society tell me what to do when it comes to friendship and love.  2012 is coming and I want to enjoy the last weeks of 2011 and not hum anymore Eminem and Ice Cube songs in the shower.  The rap persona I try to show off for years has left me shy, cautions and ill-tempered is getting very old. 

 

Freedom Center Underground Railroad museum. I took photo of museum in November 2011.  Reminds me to be free to have freedom of expression and be happy.

Sorta coach 2135 as Route 4 Ridge Road.  Bus was sitting at Crossroads Community mega church layover for final time in 2011 due to Cincinnati Milacron factory was being demolished across the street in November 2011.

 

Sorta coach 4018 as Route 39 Western Hills-Uptown in early October 2011.

Lauren and I in 1995 at Camp Stepping Stones a long time ago.

Walking the Bridge

Today was a cold blistery day walking close to the University of Cincinnati campus to take pics of Sorta coach 6012 that was driven as Route 51 Clifton-Hyde Park Crosstown.  I stayed on the bus since another bus I would have taken pictures of was driven by a bus driver I don't know and might not be receptive of me taking photos.  The walk through Clifton neighborhood was wet and dreary but I wasn't the least bit tired up to seeing the Ludlow Street viaduct bridge. 
I walked later onto the Ludlow Street Viaduct bridge.  The fear of the bridge was deepening because I walked up the same bridge with I-75 and railroad tracks just below. 
My mind was on "Under the Bridge" song from 1991 by rock & roll hall of fame inductees in 2012 Red Hot Chili Peppers while waking the bridge head down slightly so I can keep a level head as trucks and cars are rolling past me.  Walking the bridge was a success in the cold, but I still wonder where did I lose my nice looking scarf which matches my hat one month ago.  Here are my photos of the day.

One Shot Tattoo shop photo I took when the sun was out last Friday at Western Hills.

Found half of a pumpkin at Marburg Avenue in Oakley neighborhood on December 8, 2011

Sorta coach 6012 freezing in the cold at Center of Cincinnati Mall today.

Plaque at Clifton and Ludlow Avenues commemorating Mary Ellen Heintz.

Ludlow Avenue Viaduct bridge as I was walking into Northside neighborhood.